On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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