all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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