True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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