Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
