I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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