I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
