sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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