Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
