is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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