i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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