walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I need water and some morals
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
