My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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