Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
