My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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