Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
