I haven't been this sober since birth.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
