Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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