did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
