If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
