he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
