so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
