Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
