I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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