Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
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Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
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Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
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