go do what you do best...puke behind churches
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
