In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
