Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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