I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
