why didn't you poke me back
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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