She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Randomize
