i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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