you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
