If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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