We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Randomize
