today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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