He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
