I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
