I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Just pee around me
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
