you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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