Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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