hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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