The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
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Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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