I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
