Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
