i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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