Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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