My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
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