he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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