I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
