You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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