I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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