I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
