pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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