My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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