i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
